Officials Ask Nation To Remain Calm While They Act Like Absolute Lunatics

The sheep regret to report that the people most loudly demanding calm now appear to be governing with the emotional restraint of raccoons in a chandelier showroom.

The sheep were once again urged to remain calm this week as public officials across the country continued behaving like men who had been locked overnight inside a Bass Pro Shop with only energy drinks, emergency powers, and no adult supervision.

According to the flock, the message from leadership has become remarkably consistent. Citizens are asked not to panic, not to overreact, and not to draw premature conclusions while the very people issuing those reassurances sprint through the news cycle like raccoons in a chandelier showroom.

Fancy Pants said the contradiction has become difficult to ignore. “Every statement begins with the words ‘there is no cause for alarm,’” he said, “and ends with someone threatening war, voiding a constitutional norm, or announcing a new federal initiative with the emotional stability of a man live-streaming from a boat dealership.”

Janet described the governing style as “administrative hysteria wrapped in official stationery.” She noted that the same people telling the public to trust the process are often the ones setting the process on fire, then blaming the smoke on negative messaging.

Marvin, who has not slept properly since 2023, said this is now a classic pattern. “First they say stay calm. Then they do something unhinged. Then they accuse you of being dramatic for noticing they have begun speaking exclusively in ultimatums and revenge fantasies.”

Whitney called it “panic in a necktie.”

Bruce and Frankie said it had the energy of a wedding DJ insisting everything is under control while the cake is visibly sliding off the table and a groomsman is arguing with a fern.

The sheep said the most exhausting part is that the public is now expected to perform emotional moderation in response to leaders who appear to have confused governing with an ongoing episode of public breakdown theater.

By the end of the meeting, the flock agreed that the nation would find these calls for calm more persuasive if they were not coming from people behaving like freshly promoted hall monitors with access to airstrikes.