Sheep Release 77-Page Report Confirming Something Is Deeply Wrong with Everyone

After months of field observation, emergency meetings, and one deeply compromised appendix by Marvin, the sheep have concluded that something is profoundly off with nearly every person in America.

The sheep released a 77-page report confirming that something is deeply wrong with everyone, citing “mounting behavioral irregularities” across the American public, elected officials, media personalities, wellness entrepreneurs, tech billionaires, and one man in a Subaru who had been yelling at a goose for reasons still under review.

The report, titled “National Conditions Assessment: Final Findings on the General Collapse of Judgment”, was compiled over several months by a cross-functional wool panel led by Fancy Pants, with investigative support from Janet, Marvin, Whitney, Simone, Bruce, and Frankie. According to the executive summary, the country is currently exhibiting “advanced symptoms of emotional water damage,” including chronic overconfidence, spiritual fraudulence, theatrical grievance, and a rising tendency to confuse posting with citizenship.

“We regret to inform the public that the problem is not isolated to one party, one institution, or one very loud uncle,” Fancy Pants told reporters near the mineral block. “Our findings indicate that something is deeply wrong with almost everybody.”

Among the report’s most alarming conclusions were that millions of Americans now mistake confidence for competence, that several major institutions appear to be held together by fonts, and that a significant portion of the population is functioning on a blend of resentment, electrolytes, and algorithmic hallucination. Janet added that the report also found “severe procedural erosion” in people who begin sentences with “I am just asking questions” and then spend 45 minutes reinventing fascism with podcast terminology.

Marvin, who contributed a 19-page appendix titled “Groundhog Influence Operations and the Oat Lobby”, said the report had actually understated the crisis. “The document does not fully account for infiltration by snack interests, fake populists, or men with Bluetooth earpieces who say, ‘let’s circle back’ after destroying the republic,” he said.

Whitney described the nation as “psychically inflamed,” while Simone called for immediate intervention and Bruce and Frankie asked whether the release party would include a fog machine.

At press time, the sheep had announced work on a follow-up white paper tentatively titled “How Did It Get This Weird, and Why Is That Man in Charge of Anything?”