The Sheep Hold an Emergency Bible Study

After Trump once again declined to name a favorite Bible verse while flirting with messiah imagery, the sheep gathered for an emergency theological review.

The sheep were relieved to learn that Donald Trump still does not have a favorite Bible verse, because for a moment they worried he might have chosen one and started issuing executive orders based on it.

According to a resurfaced interview, Trump once called the Bible his favorite book but declined to name a favorite verse, explaining, “I don’t want to get into that,” before announcing that he liked the Old and New Testaments “equal.” The clip has returned just as conservatives are fighting over an AI-generated image he posted that appeared to depict him as Jesus.

The sheep said this was actually the most theologically coherent thing he has done in years. A man who cannot name a Bible verse should absolutely not be improvising his way through the central cast list of Christianity.

At an emergency prayer breakfast held near the mineral block, the flock attempted to guess what Trump’s favorite verse might be. Marvin suggested it was the one where Jesus flips tables, but only because he assumed Trump stopped reading at the part with the furniture. Janet said his favorite verse was probably whichever one he thinks lets him seize Iran’s oil, appoint himself Pope, and put tariffs on the loaves and fishes. Fancy Pants noted that if Trump had wanted to fake it, he could have simply said “the one about loving thy neighbor,” then spent the rest of the afternoon deporting the neighbor.

The sheep said the real problem is not that Trump does not know Scripture. Lots of people are rusty on Leviticus. The problem is that he keeps auditioning for religious authority while displaying the spiritual depth of a steakhouse menu. He wants the symbolism of faith without the inconvenience of humility, mercy, repentance, or knowing literally one sentence Jesus said.

Whitney, who has been grazing near the orchard and describes herself as “spiritually grass-fed,” said American politics has reached the point where a man can fail the easiest Bible pop quiz in recorded history and still be treated like a persecuted prophet by people who would accuse the actual Jesus of being weak on borders, soft on debt collection, and suspiciously pro-multitude.